i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
