If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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