Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
