He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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