So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
