i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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