I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
