I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
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