So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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