i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Randomize
