aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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