bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
