Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
