My liver just broke up with me...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
