she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I deserve this hangover.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
