you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
