I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
