He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
