I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
