My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
