There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
