I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
