she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
