Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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