apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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