i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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