yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
