a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
