I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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