If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
