Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
