Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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