i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
