Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
