Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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