can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
