think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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