im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
