I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
