Duck Duck Cougar?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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