oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
