I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
