started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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