It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
