the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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