I cannot find my penis.
i think i have herpe
just one?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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