I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
