Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
