; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
