I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
