youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
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