i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
