Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
